Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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