Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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