so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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