I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
