So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
