You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
she pinky promised me she was 18
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
