turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
