In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
