This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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