What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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