in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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