seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
