I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
