I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
