I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
