i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You ate ashes out of my bong
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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