I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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