You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
