I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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