i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
