Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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