I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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