I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
