what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
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