i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
