so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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