I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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