On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
