My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I pour the whiskey from now on
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
