Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Oh god it's open bar.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
