The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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