I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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