You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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