Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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