community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
