not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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