I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
