Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
