Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
