She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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