This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
