70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
