Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
