Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
