mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
