im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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