I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
