I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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