hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
