Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
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