I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
where are you?
Hypothermia
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
