i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
