Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
