I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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