Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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